I recommend you to watch this video first before reading this entry. Thank you :)
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيم
Assalamualaikum w.b.t.
In this entry, I decided to make and write my deepest confession, message and advice to all people that have been through the same situation as me and also to those who think they're much better for not having flaw like me.
These days, my insecurity is growing bigger. Honestly speaking, I'm now secretly struggling with problem that I've experienced since a long time ago and it's not stopping. I'm staring in front of the mirror often and feeling awful about myself. At night before going to bed, I always shed my tears away and sleep in depression concerning my skin that seems never gets better.
Yes, I have an acne problem and that's a first world problem to me.
I started to get acne at the age of someone shouldn't have this kind of problem but I did. It got started when I was in primary school and I've had bad skin starting on my forehead. I was embarrassed with myself. I wore my hijab way too front just to cover my acne forehead. People were making fun of me. People were laughing at me, humiliated me for having acne when I was too young to have it. I was taking photos of my face every night to see the difference between the day before and the day after. To make sure if there was any changes and improvement on my skin. Unfortunately, there wasn't. I got up from lying down on my bed and stood in front of the mirror. I stared at myself and cried. I cried silently so nobody in the house heard it. I felt terrible.
On October, 2011 when I was in form 1, my dad took me to a specialist clinic that's close to my living area. The doctor gave me medicines such as pills, creams I need to apply on my face and a soap to clean up my face. I used the medicines and went to that clinic until year 2013 when I was in form 3. I have to say, how grateful I was to see that my face was getting better and greater than before. It turned out to be flawless and smooth. My forehead was clean without acne and even any pimples. I got no scars at all. I watched myself in front of the mirror and smiled. Feeling really thankful and blessed. You have no idea how it feels like to have acne and then it all eventually vanished. I finally got my dream skin. Sometimes I went out from my house without wearing anything on my face. I was very happy.
....But not so long until I made a tiny, stupid mistake. 2 years of applying medicines from the clinic, I thought my skin was all good and ready to stop taking the medicines. So I stopped. On April, 2013, I started to wear a beauty product like many women do. Unlucky me, I've made the wrong choice.
My skin started to cause troubles again, and it wasn't because of the product. But because I stopped from using the medicines. If before this my forehead was my main problem, now it went to my cheeks. The acne is happening again. The pimples. The scars. The redness. The sadness. The insecurity.
All I want is to be, normal. Like everybody else. I'm surrounded by so many girls with flawless skin. My bestfriends are majority flawless. There's even a friend of mine who doesn't wear anything at all when she comes to school everyday. I'm not a fan of makeup or foundation cream. I wish to go out from home without applying anything on face to cover my flaw, like i used to once upon a time. I wish to not be too worry for not cleaning my face before sleep and discover a new pimple the next day when I wake up. I wish to not cry looking at my own face.
Eventhough some people would say, "Alaaa Saidah, at least you're beautiful. You're white. You still have secret admirers. You're this and that." .
But you're not me. You're not facing the same problem as me. You don't need to suffer from having bad acne on your face, looking at yourself and feeling not natural.
I'm no longer getting mocked from bad people about my skin like when I was younger, but I still remember their words. How people labelled someone with acne. Ugly. Gross. Disgusting. Eww. It hurts.
I don't go to the specialist clinic again anymore because my dad has retired. He isn't working anymore. He needs to save the moneys for something else that's necessary. That's why I can't fix my face anymore. I already tried other ways with the organics and stuff. But, well. It's either working very slowly or it's not working at all. I don't know which one.
Through the video above, I can't help but to cry again. I accidentally found that video when I was searching 'how it feels to have acne' through Google on my phone. I wanted to read someone else's confession about having acne and the result came out with this. I love this video. It tells the world how people like us feel and go through for having flaws and people just simply judge us in a really mean way.
This video taught me that,
you're beautiful in your own way. You may be feeling down with flaws you have, but the fact is that there are still lots of people out there who have problems more worse than you. But they've successfully overcame the problem and be brave enough to face everyone without feeling ashamed of themselves. If you have beauty inside of you with your clean heart and good personality, people don't need to see your face to look how beautiful you are. But they'll directly see the beauty in you. The real beauty that you keep inside. I've seen this happening. It's true.
For those who love to judge someone's flaws,
if you think someone with acne is ugly and disgusting, your attitude and yourself are uglier and the most disgusting creature ever lived. There are many things you can possibly do in your life, but you choose to make fun of someone else's face. That's just because you're pathetic. If you're bullying someone for their face, you're becoming a killer without you even know it. Because words can hurt someone more than action. People would rather be punched right on the face than to listen to mean, trash words that are coming from the tounge which is sharper than the sword. Hurting someone mentally too much can lead to suicide. And do you know who to blame first for that? You, yes you. People can at least wear makeup to cover the flaws on their faces, but you can't even do anything to cover your ugly, useless self. Sorry not sorry.
That's all from me.
Wassalam.
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