بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيم

Assalamualaikum w.b.t .

Several days left before the year change its number. Several days left before I lose everything which is very meaningful to me. These days, I am indeed feeling upset and miserable. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to face the following year. Because somehow I wish I can stay in this year forever.

What's so special about 2014 ? What's so good about it ? Some of you might have experienced many infliction throughout this year, and some might have achieved many achievements. Congratulation for those who made it and stay strong for those who barely goes on. But for me, I went through with both situations. Goods and bads. Year 2014 is full of tense and surprise. And I have to say, proudly, that this is the best year I've ever been living in from 1st January until right now. I learnt mostly about everything in life in this year and everything is about to be gone. What's left for me is only memories and feelings.

Year 2014 is where everything got started. It was the moment when I started 'emigrated' myself or I can say 'hijrah' from my past to a better lifestyle, to a new person, a new me. I started doing things I never did before, started joining islamic programs, and I also met new friends. I created ukhuwwah lillahitaala with them. They are great. They're kind and nice people. They are very good to me. They helped me a lot and gave me strength. I learnt many things through them.

Ever since I'm changing, I've been humiliated by certain people for not being good enough and perfect as how they expected me to be. I cried a lot in my room with nobody seeing it and felt my heart been stabbed many times from front and behind. I was cursed right in front of my face by saying my weakness, bad things I used to do and all the hurtful words. I've never experience this kind of situation before and I believe nobody understand how painful it was. To be judged. All you can do is to listen to my story, but you can't exactly feel how I personally feel. Instead of giving friendly advices to me, people choosed to mock straight away and hope I would change even better and learn my mistakes from bad words they said to me.

What do people actually want 'muslimah girls' to be ? We all can change, but don't expect us to be perfect. We're humans, not robots. There are times when we feel like crying, getting angry, feeling annoyed, doing bad stuffs and many more. IF ONLY our imaan always stays on top, that would be great. We would be as 'perfect' as how you people want us to be.

But well. With all the criticism people gave me, it moved me towards a better position. That's what make me feel stronger than I could've ever be. It's okay. I'll survive in shaa Allah.

Year 2014 is the year I started wearing niqab. I still don't officially wear it, I am not yet a full-time 'ninja' but it was the moment of beginning. I trained myself and got used to it. I've never imagined in my whole life that I would eventually become a niqabi. Like, wow seriously. What am I thinking tho hahaha. I started wearing it on 14th January while I was celebrating Maulidur Rasul at Shah Alam. I feel secure wearing it. I feel like being protected. It actually doesn't really burden me. I took awhile, thinking if I made a right choice. Will this niqab affect my future or not. But hey, I almost forgot that I have Allah with me. He is the one that controls my life and gives me sustenance. Why would I be scared. I've seen many niqabis who have reached success in their life. They are all fine, and I know I will as well.

I also joined GSS this year. What 'GSS' stands for? Geng Surau Sekolah. I wasn't dare to participate and become one of the member because I know I was not that 'pious' at the beginning and I also afraid since I didn't have any close friends in GSS. But in December 2013 before went back to school, I was invited by someone to join in. I refused to. But oh well, this person was good in pleading so I ended up nodding and agreed to join. To be very honest, GSS improved me a lot. I got to know things I never knew and they taught me so many stuffs. They all are the best. I'm so in love in making friends with them. Most of them are seniors to me but I don't have problem with that. I did not get too close to them at first, but when school was about to end, it was the time I became closest to them and I cried out loud on our last event before the separation. My eyes turned sore. Farewell gave me the worst pain ever. I love them. So much.

Year 2014 is also the year that I fell deeply in love with someone and in the same time attacked by the worst heartbroken ever. Falling in love with a guy is one of the hardest thing that can happen to me because first of all, I am really arrogant with them especially the unknowns and I always treat those who close with me terribly like seriously though. I just can never be nice towards guys. Obviously because I am afraid with them. Can I called it as a phobia? No? Perhaps I can communicate with them well through network but to confront with them is like 'nope, thank you very much.'

I do admit I used to admire guys, or like someone or have crush like most teenagers do. But you know, it's not really 'love'. Technically I attract to them because of their charms and appearance for being handsome and stuff. That kind of feelings don't last. I got to know this one guy for a long time, and I fell hard for him. I swear, I never asked to fall in love. But it just happened. Because I don't just admire him. But I seriously fell deeply in love with him.

I don't know, but I just want to claim myself that I must be the stupidest, most insane person ever because I've been  falling hard for someone, got broken by the same person, and actually fell hard again with the person. I got super hurt, but then took risk by getting hurt again. Wow. I'm just too in love with that person, huh? Could it be just me or someone else probably have been through this also?

Yeah, just me. I know.

I know it's not really matter, to fall in love at this young age. Even me myself against it. Because I'll be meeting 'him' one fine day at the right time like how Allah has arranged everything. To be honest, I don't ask for it. It came by itself. The feelings. Because we all have hearts with feelings and Allah created us with fitrah. One of them is loving someone. But it's our duty to take a good care of it and I don't keep it good enough. Yep, my fault.

I wish these experiences will turn me wiser and more mature.

These are pretty much what happened during year 2014. I gained something and lost something but it's alright because to learn and move forward in life, we have to commit mistakes and of course it has to be by incident. Not on purpose. I'll miss everything I've done through this year and will cherish each moment I created with everyone and everything I loved. May 2015 will be much better for us and be blessed by Allah SWT even more.

Chin up, and turn that frown upward. Everything happens for reasons, and it surely a good reason.

Wassalam, and have an awesome day :)

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